Friday, November 14, 2008

Why God created woman...


Feeling very sad and finding it difficult to really get into this next cycle of ours. Looks like it won't be now till closer to Christmas. We feel so out of touch. We aren't there in India this time and all we can do is sit and wait and wonder... Last 2 times we felt as though we had a part, taking shots and the long flight and being there for the whole thing, beginning to end. This time is so much different.

I am finding it very hard to be an active part of the support group. I am so happy to hear others excitement and anticipation of their results and upcoming cycles and positive pregnancies, but overwhelmed with sadness for us. We still don't know why we failed? What went wrong? Why others like us get positives and we continue to keep getting negatives? I am trying to be strong, but part of me wonders if I am the right person to even think of giving anyone of these people hope or advice in this area, especially being the Moderator of the support group forum???

I am trying to stay positive and hopeful, but this stuff really wears on a person. I never imagined growing up that I would ever have this much trouble trying to have a family. Oh to be young again in the back of Mom and Dad's car! Infertility is such a sad and lonely place. Of the simplest terms, I am a woman who was put on this earth to procreate. What use are we if we can't do this simple task? What purpose does a woman have other then to be a mother and raise children? I know I would make a terrible woman's rights activist. But ever since I was a little girl, all i ever wanted was to grow up, marry a wonderful man, have a nice home with a white picket fence and be a MOM. I would trade everything in tomorrow (my career, my possessions, everything) for this one wish. IT SHOULDN'T BE THIS HARD OR PAINFUL TO HAVE A CHILD!!!!

Will I ever get my happy ending?

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4 comments:

Carrie Jo said...

Rhonda,

I am truly sorry that you are in such a difficult place right now. I have wondered how you have managed to be such an active part of the forum through both of the disappointing attempts (although I was always selfishly grateful).

While I know that I haven't been through the amount of frustration and hurt that you have trying to become a mom, I do understand to a degree. There have been more times than I can count that I have shaken my fist toward heaven and demanded of God why He would give me such an intense desire without the "normal" means to fulfill it. And while I would never want you to feel as though I am trivializing your hurt and anger right now, I do believe that God doesn't give us desires without a way to obtain them. His ways never seem to be the way we want or the way we would choose, but I do believe that there is a purpose behind it that we will know someday.

Rhonda, I do believe you will be a mom--and you will be such a wonderful one. And when you finally get there--and no matter how you do--all the pain will fade. I truly believe that. Someday, you will look back on the years that you struggled to have your child and you will know that as awful as they were, they helped you to appreciate your child in a way few other parents do.

Tigerlilycat said...

It shouldn't be this hard and on reflection (with babe in arms) it won't be. Hang in there as it WILL happen, so allow yourself time to chill. We had 8 years thinking I wasn't able to have children, so to find out my ovaries were still working was - and still is - a miracle. And the best part? Taking so long to find out my body was still functioning because if we'd discovered it any sooner we wouldn't have met you guys and be working with the fabulous SI team!!! HUGE hug.


Lisa B
[forum co-mod while our special girlie chills]

Kerrie and Mark said...

Rhonda, I can imagine your pain. Its very similar to my days when I hear people around me getting pregnant, and having to hear the wonderful stories of pregnancy and new parenthood. It makes me very sad and lonely and feel so angry and wondering what the hell is wrong with me and whats worth living for. But, somehow we pull it together and put on a strong front for those around us. You know as well as me that these emotions are strong sometimes and faded other times. Your going through a definate down period and thats ok. Lean on Gerry and people close to you, or lock yourself away (like i do sometimes). You know you guys are strong!!! Its hard to feel strong when you feel so weak. I wish we could get together and have a good ole cry and self pity party! Reading your post felt very raw and close to me. I am thinking of you.
Kerrie

Mike and Mike said...

Rhonda,

Grieve, get angry, shake your fists in the air, scream at the top of your lungs, cry until you feel you have nothing more to give, let it all out.

Then breathe. Dust yourself off, straighten your walk, and proudly, with fear as your strength, move forward again.

We all need these times. What we go through is emotionally draining and exhausting. For women going through this, I think even more so. But rather than put up a false veneer, let the emotions and heartache flow, be seen, be felt, be heard. It's how we all strengthen ourselves and our resolve.

Mike and I comment on how positive you and Gerry constantly are. The Switzer's story gave us the ray of hope we needed to pursue surrogacy in India. Your and Gerry's story and positive attitudes expand the ray of light to a warm sunrise.

Even if you're not feeling so positive right now, we will feel positive for you so you and Gerry can take a break.

Mike A.