Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Do these crazy emotions ever end???

The ups the downs, the worry, the excitement... Its all very draining. Don't get me wrong, I am far from complaining. We are overjoyed with our upcoming trip for the delivery of our baby, but at every turn, I go from zero to 60 with my emotions. I have so much fear and anxiety of being prepared before we leave for India, during the trip and after arrival. I wonder if we will have everything we need, and will everything fall into place? Once we arrive home will we have it all together, both physically and mentally? Did we buy the best of all the right stuff from pacifiers, to bottles to diapers? I keep trying to tell myself that every new mother goes through these emotions and feelings. But, its not helping!!! I want to be the perfect Mom. I don't want to make any mistakes. I want my child to love me even though I don't have any genetic link to them. I wonder how we will explain this crazy journey of love to them when they are old enough to understand? What if I get this precious angel in my arms and I don't know what to do? I hope to be a natural, and it all come to me once my baby is in my arms, but I am scared to death. I just want to be in control and confident and I feel so out of control and stressed. I prayed to God every night that he would bring me this amazing gift and now I hope I don't let him down. My Mom is the best Mom in the world and I hope to be even be 1/2 the mother she has been to me. Always proud of me, no matter how badly I screwed up. She has given me and all her children endless love and support and never, ever gave up on us. She is my inspiration and I do not want to disappoint her or Gerry or my baby.

I suppose only time will tell and that time is ticking down week by week. Our angel will be here before we know it and I suppose I will be jumping in with both feet and there will be no looking back. Please say a prayer and wish me luck...

We finally got Dr. Shaunak's images from our visit in April...Here is our babe!

My dear sweet puppy Frankie has given me a few scares lately. She is 13.5 and not getting any younger. When we got back from our last trip to India she wasn't quite herself. I passed it off as, 'she just missed us' and figured she would come around in a few days. I was outside with her one afternoon and she had some sort of episode (she got all stiff, and and her breathing was funky and her eyes were fixed). I don't know much about dog conditions, but I thought it may be a seizure of some sort and rushed her to the vet. A million blood tests (including a $150.00 valley fever test) and a full examine later, and she came back with a clean bill of health. She went back to her normal fun, spunky self and my worry ended, up until a few weekends back when we were up at the cabin and she did it again. Every day I wake up and she is not right there beside me I panic. Every day I come home from work and can't find her I panic. I worry I may find her sick, or unresponsive, or worst of all passed away. I am so very happy for the many, many years I have had her in my life. I can't remember my life before she was apart of it. She has been an amazing companion and best friend and daughter I could ever have wished for. She and I have been through SO much over the years. She always knows when I am sad and never leaves my side. She gives me endless, unconditional love and I just can't even imagine one day, one hour or one minute without her in my life. I can't constantly worry about this, as I know it will inevitably happen one day, but I am not ready now and probably never will be ready to let her go. I want her to meet her new brother/sister. I want to have family fun with the 4 of us. Why did God create dogs to only stay with us for such a short time? They are such wonderful creatures and bring so much joy to our lives, and its just not fair to not have them last a human lifetime. If I could clone her I would. She is such a huge part of our family and I have been so blessed to have such a perfect, sweet, lovely animal to call mine. Please God, keep her with us for as long as she is healthy and well.


On the career front, I am enjoying my new job and the hours are great. I get home and don't know what to do with myself. On July 3rd I put up some American flags at my desk (thanks Honey) and it sparked conversation with one of my residents. I told him about Gerry and his 2 tours of duty to Iraq/Kuwait serving both Canada in 1999, and the U.S in 2004. He shared with me his tour in Korea. It was really neat to be able to open the mind of someone with Dementia, and for images and memories to be so clear to him. Those are just some of the reasons I do what I do ever day. These people bring such smiles and joy to my life.

Gerry loves, loves, loves his shift and Fire Dept. he has had more fires in the last 3 months there, then in has at any other Fire Dept. That is the exciting stuff for him, to be able to put to use what he is trained to do. Not to mention the capturing 6 ft. snakes, intoxicated people, getting hugs and answering questions from toddlers, picking old folks off the floor of the casino, and so much more that his does as part of his job. He has a new story for me every single day. It makes me proud that he is living his dream.

I was able to see him in Fire Fighter action this July 4th as I made the trip out to Ak-Chin, the Indian community where he works, to watch the fireworks and spend time with him. Gerry was on the Engine and had to be prepared for any firework mishaps...thankfully there were none. It was a beautiful display, and I couldn't help but imagine how wonderful it will be next year with our little one in our arms to share in the moment. We have SO many wonderful holidays and just 'every' days to come that will bring unforgettable memories as a family.