Friday, September 26, 2008
I got it off my chest! Mom called and I had a good cry and a huge pity party. She said I shouldn't be upset with others just trying to help and most of all not to blame myself.
I am not upset at others trying to help or not knowing what else to say. I just get frustrated when adoption is all someone has to give as an answer but seems to have little compassion of what we are going through. For the most part everyone is incredible I guess it only takes one comment of, 'Sorry, have you thought of adoption?' to set a person off...and yes that person set off was me.
If I hurt anyone's feeling again, that was not my intentions. It helps to pour out my feelings. Good, bad or indifferent that is what this is, our story of fun, pain, hurt, emotions and hopefully success...someday.
Thanks for listening and hopefully understanding.
This is SO much harder then I thought it would be. Being the second time, I thought it would be easier to deal with, but it is so much more difficult. I am keeping it all bottled up inside and know that I need a really good cry, just haven't yet. I took yesterday off of work to regroup and Gerry had to drag me out of bed to at least have something to eat. Today I went into work, but only lasted a half a day before breaking down. Everyone there knows and they just look at me with such pity. I know they all mean well, but it is so hard to concentrate on something other then NOT being pregnant. I so feel like I have disappointed SO many people especially my husband. Maybe if he had know that I couldn't have his child his choice would have been different? Why did I have to be born with these reproductive abnormalities? What did I do so bad to be punished by God to never, ever have my prayers answered?
Everyone has been so supportive. I am just really frustrated when people start offering their opinions like we haven't already thought of every single one of their ideas. People who have not cared to ask about why we chose surrogacy or really cared to follow in our journey at all. People who I am sure feel that we made the wrong decision or that its not 'normal' to do surrogacy. I have read hateful and mean posts on forums of people saying its, 'disgusting' and 'selfish'. It really hurts when you don't know someones whole story to make such comments about others.
ADOPTION!!!! If one more person tells me to adopt, I think I am going to scream. Like that wasn't our first choice and we haven't completely looked into both domestic and international adoption. When they can give us the $30-40,000 AND guarantee that the birth mother won't change her mind while we are waiting at the hospital elated to take our baby home and have to leave heartbroken and empty handed, OR have to send her letters and photos every single year we celebrate OUR babies birthday OR have a nosy social worker come into our home and pick apart every little thing about our health, finances, etc. OR have to wait years and years before we may be eligible to get a toddler OR have to struggle with the foster system. NOW, who wants to mention ADOPTION again to us????? I am truly sorry to those who have offered their opinions and don't mean to sound hateful or ungrateful, just sometimes its nice for someone to just say 'sorry' and they are here if you need them. Opinions and ideas are the very last thing we need right now. I know EVERYONE means well, but for lack of better words, unless you have walked a mile in someone else's shoes you don't know how they feel or what they are going through.
And just for the record, because I have 2 small uteri we cannot do IVF treatments on me for fear of multiples as I am at high risk in the first place for pre-term labor with just a single birth. So...that is not an option either.
So, for the last time...YES we have thoroughly looked into adoption and other options and when and if it is something we can or choose to do we will happily do so.
Its not all about having our own child, its about having a family of our own, raising a child or our own and growing old remembering all the wonderful family times we have had together(like I so dearly cherish about my own childhood). Yes, part of me does want to look at my baby and see my squinty little eyes or Grandpa's double chin or Daddy's beautiful smile. Who doesn't want their own child, for others to say, "Oh, they look just like you or Daddy."
Unless you have never struggled with infertility you have NO IDEA!!! I guess that's why my support group buddies are so near and dear to me, they know not to give opinions just love, support and words of condolence.
Thank you truly to EVERYONE for their heartfelt support and love. I know you all mean well. I hope I didn't hurt anyone's feelings(that was not my intentions), but just think about what you say before you say it. I suppose that sometimes things are better left unsaid.