Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Do these crazy emotions ever end???

The ups the downs, the worry, the excitement... Its all very draining. Don't get me wrong, I am far from complaining. We are overjoyed with our upcoming trip for the delivery of our baby, but at every turn, I go from zero to 60 with my emotions. I have so much fear and anxiety of being prepared before we leave for India, during the trip and after arrival. I wonder if we will have everything we need, and will everything fall into place? Once we arrive home will we have it all together, both physically and mentally? Did we buy the best of all the right stuff from pacifiers, to bottles to diapers? I keep trying to tell myself that every new mother goes through these emotions and feelings. But, its not helping!!! I want to be the perfect Mom. I don't want to make any mistakes. I want my child to love me even though I don't have any genetic link to them. I wonder how we will explain this crazy journey of love to them when they are old enough to understand? What if I get this precious angel in my arms and I don't know what to do? I hope to be a natural, and it all come to me once my baby is in my arms, but I am scared to death. I just want to be in control and confident and I feel so out of control and stressed. I prayed to God every night that he would bring me this amazing gift and now I hope I don't let him down. My Mom is the best Mom in the world and I hope to be even be 1/2 the mother she has been to me. Always proud of me, no matter how badly I screwed up. She has given me and all her children endless love and support and never, ever gave up on us. She is my inspiration and I do not want to disappoint her or Gerry or my baby.

I suppose only time will tell and that time is ticking down week by week. Our angel will be here before we know it and I suppose I will be jumping in with both feet and there will be no looking back. Please say a prayer and wish me luck...

We finally got Dr. Shaunak's images from our visit in April...Here is our babe!

My dear sweet puppy Frankie has given me a few scares lately. She is 13.5 and not getting any younger. When we got back from our last trip to India she wasn't quite herself. I passed it off as, 'she just missed us' and figured she would come around in a few days. I was outside with her one afternoon and she had some sort of episode (she got all stiff, and and her breathing was funky and her eyes were fixed). I don't know much about dog conditions, but I thought it may be a seizure of some sort and rushed her to the vet. A million blood tests (including a $150.00 valley fever test) and a full examine later, and she came back with a clean bill of health. She went back to her normal fun, spunky self and my worry ended, up until a few weekends back when we were up at the cabin and she did it again. Every day I wake up and she is not right there beside me I panic. Every day I come home from work and can't find her I panic. I worry I may find her sick, or unresponsive, or worst of all passed away. I am so very happy for the many, many years I have had her in my life. I can't remember my life before she was apart of it. She has been an amazing companion and best friend and daughter I could ever have wished for. She and I have been through SO much over the years. She always knows when I am sad and never leaves my side. She gives me endless, unconditional love and I just can't even imagine one day, one hour or one minute without her in my life. I can't constantly worry about this, as I know it will inevitably happen one day, but I am not ready now and probably never will be ready to let her go. I want her to meet her new brother/sister. I want to have family fun with the 4 of us. Why did God create dogs to only stay with us for such a short time? They are such wonderful creatures and bring so much joy to our lives, and its just not fair to not have them last a human lifetime. If I could clone her I would. She is such a huge part of our family and I have been so blessed to have such a perfect, sweet, lovely animal to call mine. Please God, keep her with us for as long as she is healthy and well.


On the career front, I am enjoying my new job and the hours are great. I get home and don't know what to do with myself. On July 3rd I put up some American flags at my desk (thanks Honey) and it sparked conversation with one of my residents. I told him about Gerry and his 2 tours of duty to Iraq/Kuwait serving both Canada in 1999, and the U.S in 2004. He shared with me his tour in Korea. It was really neat to be able to open the mind of someone with Dementia, and for images and memories to be so clear to him. Those are just some of the reasons I do what I do ever day. These people bring such smiles and joy to my life.

Gerry loves, loves, loves his shift and Fire Dept. he has had more fires in the last 3 months there, then in has at any other Fire Dept. That is the exciting stuff for him, to be able to put to use what he is trained to do. Not to mention the capturing 6 ft. snakes, intoxicated people, getting hugs and answering questions from toddlers, picking old folks off the floor of the casino, and so much more that his does as part of his job. He has a new story for me every single day. It makes me proud that he is living his dream.

I was able to see him in Fire Fighter action this July 4th as I made the trip out to Ak-Chin, the Indian community where he works, to watch the fireworks and spend time with him. Gerry was on the Engine and had to be prepared for any firework mishaps...thankfully there were none. It was a beautiful display, and I couldn't help but imagine how wonderful it will be next year with our little one in our arms to share in the moment. We have SO many wonderful holidays and just 'every' days to come that will bring unforgettable memories as a family.


Print this post

10 comments:

Niels and Alexander said...

Rhonda, don't worry! I would worry if you were a person who never(!) makes a mistake!! That's how a lot of us learn:)
But time will tell, it will be a huge step forward for you guys since you have been hoping for so long and now it is finally going to happen. Just keep breathing and it will all come as it goes

Carrie Jo said...

Rhonda,there is NO SUCH THING as a perfect mother--get that idea right out of your head...you really don't need to drive yourself crazy! Your baby will love you and bond with you and be frustrated by you and scream at you...just like all other kids with all other moms. And I promise that it'll be great (but really, I'm right there with you--I want to be the best mom ever, too).

Btw, a study done in the UK actually showed that children brought about through surrogacy (whether donor eggs/sperm or not) had a very high rate of warm attachments to their parents--a higher rate than the "traditional" families studied. Check it out: http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2002-07/esfh-wfs062902.php

I also want you to know that I feel you about your girl Frankie. Zaira (my puppy) is only 2 and is in the beginning stages of kidney failure. I pray every day that she makes it longer than the year or two the vets have told us. I wish God had created dogs to live longer--it's one of the things I will have to ask him about when I see Him :)

Hang in there on this rollercoaster ride. You're nearing the end! I can't wait to see pictures of your little one!

Mandy said...

It is always such a pleasure to read your post and feel many of th emeotions you go through. You are already the best mom to your angel. You will be such natural and you wont even know it. Believe in yourself and everyone will see it, Gerry, angel and all.

Enjoy motherhood (for all of us).

Anonymous said...

Baby,
You will make a wonderful Mom, there is no doubt in my or Dad's mind. You have always made us proud to be your parents and have been a wonderful Daughter. When you hold your baby for the first time all your doubts will fade away. You will be a natural and will know exactly what to do.Just as you have done with your baby Frankie you knew just what he needed and Love has made all the difference.Just as your child will find out Frankie knows that you have always been there for him and will always Love him. He has been a very lucky dog to have you both in his life,no animal could have had more Love or better care. Lots of Love and know that we will always be there for all of you.
Mom & Dad XXOO

Rhonda and Gerry W said...

Funny Mom...she always forgets Frankie is her Granddaughter and not Grandson. LOL! That's okay she still loves her just as much.

Daria said...

You are going to be a great mom and I am sure that you are well-prepared! Our puppy (as we like to call him) is getting up there in age also. It is sad to see the changes. You'll be in India before you know it!

Jackie said...

Rhonda, so many of the thoughts you mentioned are also on my mind. Good to know I am not the only one scared to death, but excited at the same time!

You will be great! I am sure of it!

When do you leave for India?


xxx

Kerrie and Mark said...

I think the answer to your post title is ...never. All you thoughts and emotions are normal, and I am sure these worries will always be with you as life throws you the next challenge afte the next challenge. You guys will do just fine and the babe will know they are loved and wanted beyond any realm of imagination! Now breathe and enjoy the next few weeks of time with Gerry and Frankie (before the baby storm hits)
Kerrie

Angela Burrill said...

Rhonda,

I really applaud you for throwing your emotions out there for the world to see. You're very brave. Having said that, please don't ever expect yourself to be perfect. I'm going to go out on a limb and say even your mom made a mistake or two over the years. After all, she let you wear that Leafs shirt, didn't she?? Besides, the outside world is far from perfect, so your beautiful child had better get used to it! You and Gerry will do a great job, together, and that's all any child could ask for.

As I look at my little 4 legged friend curled up at my feet, I wish you many more healthy and happy years with Frankie. An animal couldn't feel more love than she does!

Anonymous said...

Without a doubt this is a crazy emotional journey, however, I have been reassured repeatedly of the following:
You will never get it all right and you will make mistakes
You likely will change bottles, pacifiers and diapers just as part of being a new Mom because you want what is best and you will challenge yourself to try other things to ensure what you chose works the best (obviously caution on this one)
and most importantly
at the end of the day, the new little bundle of joy needs only a few things to be happy - they need to be kept:
**dry,
**fed
**warm and
**loved.
If you take care of these things the rest falls into line.

You will be a great Mom and Gerry will be a great Dad. I can appreciate your emotions, I have felt them and will continue to feel them, I get it totally!!!

I wish I could say No worries, but I know that you will still worry but just remember, as long as you take care of the basic needs and bonding, your baby will love you just as much if not more than you love him or her.

A friend described having a baby like watching your heart walk around outside of you - I could not agree more.

Joy